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Why I didn't ride today..part 1

I actually had a strong desire to ride today!

It's been awhile due to being very busy with my small business but also, there's something else going on! Nerves! I'm letting them the get the better of me, once again! The longer I don't ride, the less confident I feel - does this sound familiar? Is age relevant to mention? The no-bounce problem...?

So, my plan....

Brain: You don't need a plan! just get on! Stop over-thinking it Caroline and just do it! (That's all well and good. I know I just need to get on and do it, just like I know that to lose weight, I just need to eat less/move more! It doesn't mean I'm any closer to my goal!)

I don't understand how my brain works; it can on the one hand, berate me for not being able to 'just do it', whilst simultaneously be responsible for my fear in the first place!

But this gets me thinking as usual, as to where my fear comes from, how I can understand it better to control it. (I have read a couple of good books on horse confidence and can recommend Faye Low, who is an Equestrian coach, with a specialism in confidence. I need to re-read her book.)

Have I always been fearful?

No, or at least I was able to feel the fear and do it anyway! These days I feel the fear and worry about the fear! I see a theme!

Is anyone with me?

So where does it come from? Was I born fearful, just as some people are born brave? Or have I learnt this pattern, where my brain decides how I feel?

I do have a very anxious mother; she has Alzheimers now (another story) but spent her life worrying about everything. It's a wonder I was ever allowed to get on the back of a 1000lb flight animal but my dad, fortunately encouraged me. Many an evening my lovely dad would walk with me on my pony ( a vey naughty Section A called Monnow, who liked to buck kids off as his party trick!) around the roads and fields, until I felt more confident.

Later, my friends all moved on to bigger ponies, got into jumping 3' courses at shows, even Hunting! Me - I was still entering 'chase me Charlie' and not winning! I don't think I was too bothered. I remember my dad was usually there to watch (and laugh at me, but not in a horrid way!) I think I was fearful back then, always looking ahead and seeing possible dangers, whereas my friends would already be galloping across the field etc. but then I was riding the pony Buckaroo was modelled on! Eventually, falling off became normal and I would tell everyone, 'you just roll in a ball and go over the shoulder!' Maybe if I was 7st, I could still do that but now, its more like landing splat on your back, with all the wind knocked out of you by your own breasts!

So, I have probably never been brave. I've never felt the need to go cross country, hunting, or jumping anything that required taking my bum out the saddle but I did ride, most days, for many years.

So, theres more to it than just fear! Mmmm... maybe its my AGE!!

To be continued.....

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